Feathers, Friends, and Maggots

I woke up at 7 too giddy to pull the covers back over my head. I'm almost embarrassed to say why. Cause I was psyched, like a kid waiting for Christmas, to see birds. Yep, egg-laying vertebrates with wings and beaks:)

The kids and I trekked to the Aviary today. And it was fabulous! We listened to stories, created pieces of art, and fed a 12-toed chicken out of our palms. We went nose to beak with Elvis the penguin, soaked up random bird factage (Rainbow Lorikeets always travel in pairs...hmmm...good principle?), and fed small birds large rocks (well, that was Adden. I caught the little man before we had a tragic bird homicide.)

But the highlight of the day had to have been the maggots. Well, that coupled with Selah's courage. My shy daughter volunteered of her own accord to feed birds in front of a large audience. This entailed me holding Selah as still as I could, squirmy maggots in our palms, and swooping birds flying in out of nowhere. One winged chap even chose to perch on her hand for a couple of minutes. I think I was probably beaming.

Anyway, if you're local and you've got little tykes, head to the Aviary! The building has some kinda weird configuration going on, you'll need to camp out with a bagged lunch somewhere (they don't have seating for that sort of thing), and it's a bit pricey. (I would suggest scouting around for a coupon. We saved $8.50 that way:)

Besides birds, our day ended with a great dinner and conversation with some new friends (new for me, old for Paul) who happened to be visiting from out of town. We indulged in Primanti's and walked around Ikea (without spending a dime - even better.) Our kids adored theirs so much that a pink bear was just recently named Lexi.

Incredible day, feathers and all.

Lots of Gross

Ever since we returned from Rhode Island, someone has been sick. First Selah, then Adden, then me, then Paul. We've had many a sleepless night.

Neither of the kids seem quite right yet and poor Paul is still down for the count (on his birthday, no less.) So, if you don't hear from me in a while, you'll know why. I'm cleaning up and scrubbing and disinfecting.

The good news is that I get to make fresh bread for toast and homemade chicken noodle soup. Yum. You can tell that I'm better cause these sound really yummy to me:) That and hot tea.

Mmm...

Rhode Island, Home

Dunkin Donuts small regulas
Staying up till 1 handcrafting cards with my mom
Watching college hoops with my dad
Seeing my kids fall in love with their Mimi and Papa

Lobsta, scrod, scallops, and indulging on fruit and vegetables
Carousel rides, Gymboree, and making wishes in the fountains
Exploring at the Providence Children's Museum
Relishing my Grandfather's stories, again. Thanking God for his life, wisdom, love

The heaps of snow
That salty ocean air
Long talks
That wicked Rhode Island accent

I've missed this place. It's great to be back.
The only thing missing is Paul.
Home isn't home without him.
We love you, hon.

We Made It

One delayed flight.
One full out sprint to make connection. In heels. Holding Adden on hip and careening Selah in stroller. (heels= horrible choice for travel)
One mom on verge of tears praying for the gate door to re-open.
One lost stroller.
One sweet ride on an airport taxi.

One great homecoming.
Two fantastic little travelers.
And innumerable answered prayers.

Thanks.

Random Update

Hey guys-

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (a bit belated, but still worth the sentiment) This is the pitiful extent of our Christmas cards this year.

Ours was delightful and super fun with Selah. Adden, well... he had quite the day being ill. I suppose he made it memorable? He's thankfully returned to his normal self again.

All of my office training is now completed, so I will be going back to a much needed 2 day work week again. I am psyched to see my kids again, try out my new bread maker, and be around more to do mommy and wifey things. Wow, I sound so domestic?

Our Castle Retreat is this weekend with our youth group. If you are the praying type, we would love for you to pray. Pray that God would be honored, students would be made whole, and that it would be a blast. Also pray that Paul would sleep and eat and such:)

Okay, I reek. So a shower is of utmost necessity. Gotta run, while kids are snoozing.

Much Love, Kristin

Cat Lovers Sit Down...

So last night instead of getting any work done or wrapping Christmas presents , Paul and I opted to:

1. Watch an episode of Lost.
2. Laugh at ridiculous gift options.
3. Race each other on this highly competitive typing game.

It was a highly productive evening.

Anything you like to do when you just don't feel like doing anything?

December Tankings

If anyone is still reading this, you'll have noticed I've been on a hiatus.

December has been so not simple.

My little part time job has morphed into a crazy monster of late... evening parties, special events, office training... customer service calls, marketing, and all sorts of computer program crash courses. I even needed training on how to put the stinkin' phone on my head. Who puts the phone on backwards? I had no idea how earpiece headsets were configured.

Then there have been cankers. Oh, the cankers. I've had bout after bout after bout of 5-7 suckers at a time. The craters attack every square inch of my mouth, leaving me with lots of drool and a sweet lisp. It's lovely, really. And they make me so fatigued. So fatigued. Some part of me is out of balance somewhere so I'm heading to a doctor for help. I want crazy super powered supplements. I want to be able to fly and scale walls. For real.

Of course there have been Christmas parties and story times and meals with friends and the Christmas Carol in Pittsburgh (fantastic, by the way!) and playing dress up and chasing Adden and date nights with Paul - and these things have been a joy. A pure joy. All has not been just work and cankers, but sometimes it sure seems like it.

Today was the first morning in quite a while that I woke up feeling healthy and well. I could talk like a normal human being and eat fruit and a bagel and be present for life, be present for people, be present for God. So I said thanks and thanks and thanks to my Giver of every good thing.

And then it hit me.

I never really got that last post. About thanking God regardless.

All this time, God was just waiting on me. Waiting on me for a thanks, a praise, an ounce of appreciation for His unseen sovereignty and grace and majesty - even in the midst of crazy December days. Something, anything.

But me, I only like to thank God when all is how I think it should be. When I'm in control, when I feel perfect, when everyone around me does what I think they should do, when things are at peace, when.... Okay, I should stop cause it's just getting uglier from here.

Thanking God regardless. I've got to have another go at this cause I tanked last time.

But this time, this time it'll be different. And next time you hear from me I may even be able to fly. Won't that be something?

Much Love and Thanks and Peace,
Kristin

Okay Sounds Phenomenal

Yesterday I received phenomenal news. Benign.

At a routine dermatologist appointment two weeks ago, my doctor removed two moles. Not a big deal in the least, since I've had countless of these biopsies. But never to this degree of immediacy. (Usually I make an appointment for 2-4 weeks later.) I had never heard my doctor say, "These need taken off now."

Of course, I balked initially, and attempted to use the, "But I just had major surgery excuse," even though I really wasn't in tremendous pain at the time. To which she responded, "They need taken off now."

So I got a few shots (in the leg and in the head.) And they didn't hurt in the least. I was especially squeamish of the shots to the head. So much so, that after she completed the procedure, I told her that it felt awesome and I was giddy with the negative pain element.

We waited 13 long days to get these results back. They were supposed to take 7 days, but they saw abnormal cell activity, so we had to wait longer.

The amazing news was that the abnormal activity was not melanoma this time. Both were still considered benign. And they'll just keep an eye out for the abnormality on my head. (Which is rather amusing. I suppose there are lots of abnormalities in my head:)

Anyhow, I got the results over grilled cheese star shaped sandwiches, circle tomato shapes, and square apple chunks. (It's shape week here at the Charles' home thanks to MOPS:) My kids were thrilled with their shape lunch (well, just Selah.) And I was thrilled that Mommy was going to be okay. Selah and Adden can't comprehend that yet.

But I can.

Okay sounds phenomenal to me.

These Highs and Lows

Highs:

*My parents blew in from RI last night with Ike. Delighted to have them!

*Paul and I had a sweet date tonight - Capellini Pomodoro, Barnes & Noble, and us:)

*Princess party planning, much adored by me. (Elementary teacher in me I suppose?)

*Adden's mischievous laugh and subsequent mad dashing around.

*Celebrating Selah yesterday with family and good friends.

*A Dr. reiterating today, "You know, you're lucky to be alive, young lady. I've heard about you."

*Hardly any pain anymore. Neither am I hobbling around. Returning to normalcy.

*Spending time at youth group again. I love our students. Love, love, love.

Lows:

*Fatigue. Still can't sleep at night. So frustrating cause I'm wiped out. And the circles under my eyes just can't be concealed with trickery.

*Random crying moment today. Thought I was done grieving till my Dr's appointment...

In the waiting room, I flipped a magazine to a photo of a 6 week old baby - with beautiful form and kidneys. Kidneys at 6 weeks. I didn't know...

As I was leaving, I asked if I had to pay for the visit. The receptionist said, "No. It's included in your insurance. This is a Postpartum appointment."

Postpartum? No, I thought. No.... It's not. I wanted to argue. A postpartum appt is 6 weeks after a baby is born. There is no baby... It didn't make it.

Me and myself didn't make it to the elevator without crying. I was so not prepared for me to still have issues with this. It can't even be blamed on percucet anymore.

Maybe grief comes and goes, much like the seasons. Right now, I'm wanting it to go far away. Tears are a tough, tough comfort.

All Shall Be Well

At last glance of this blog, you saw a pretty teary eyed picture of my heart. I am pretty happy go lucky most of the time, so all the crying was a shock to my system. Suffice to say, things are on the upswing. I am fresh off the heavy meds. Though I miss their potency to relieve the pain, I don’t so much miss the emotional imbalance.

I am creeping out of bed on a more regular basis – to make some coffee, grab a book, turn on some music, read to the kids, play with Selah’s babies. There is still considerable pain just walking. Selah has an awesome portrayal of my walk – arms outstretched for balance, back hunched over, a short stride. It’s really quite a hoot.

Paul’s parents handed the baton of responsibilities over to my brother and mom on Thursday. My mom does the brunt work – preparing meals, taking care of the kids and the house. Dan is a sweet entertainer and makes us all laugh with Little Carrot Man who takes on the world. Selah and Adden especially delight in their uncle’s imagination and games. And Paul…Well, he’s just as amazing as usual. How did I secure such a catch?

As a family, we have been showered with love. Like torrentially poured on! The most delicious food has been made, the sweetest cards and notes written, DVD’s, magazines, and books brought over to relieve any boredom, bouquets of balloons, flowers, coffees, youth group girls stopping by, you name it. Oh, and I can’t forget Best Chocolate Chip Cookie ever. Even with a zero appetite, I have been making room for bites of this baby. Too bad it's not iron fortified. Delicious. Thank you all so much.

And if all of this weren’t enough, there is my beautiful Jesus. We have laughed and cried together. He has whispered peace to my heart (Psalm 94:19, Psalm 29:11). He is healing parts of me that I never knew were broken (Psalm 147:3). He has confided in me that this is His greatest good for me right now (Psalm 25:14). His greatest good. That’s pretty sweet. And I kind of have a hunch He’s right.

So, though things aren’t as I had supposed they would be; they are good. Julian of Norwich says, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things will be well.” And I would have to say, I agree with her. All shall be well and all manner of things will be well, hunchback waddle and soul healing, included.

Waiting for a Mosaic

Fourth day straight here, propped up on the pull out bed in our living room, immobile. The windows are open, letting in a soft and gentle breeze. The sunlight brightens this space, as do stunning bouquets of sunflowers, roses, and daisies. Next to me is a pile of favorite books, thoughtful handwritten cards, carefully chosen magazines, and a Starbucks, which is helping my brain think that it’s returning to a sense of normalcy.


There is also a quiet here. Free from the endless beeping of IV’s that need changed, the drone of my roommate’s TV, the scurrying around of hospital carts. Free from hearing the beautiful laughter and energy of our children, although I miss that commotion immeasurably. Free to listen to a God who wants to love on me and create the most beautiful of all mosaics from these broken pieces. His word is sustaining me.

What happened this weekend, in medical terms, was a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. There was internal hemorrhaging, an emergency surgery, and intense continual pain worse than any labor. My surgeon told me I could’ve easily lost my life. I guess these tubal ruptures are the most common cause of maternal death in early stage pregnancies, yet they are commonly misdiagnosed.


Though the recovery is daunting, what hurts most at this point is the loss itself. We are devastated. I had suspected a pregnancy for about 2 weeks prior to our actual confirmation on Monday. The baby was 6 weeks old, but we had only known about it for a few short days. Still, I had a hard time leaving the hospital, because I didn’t want to leave our baby there. It felt cold and heartless and cruel. A grave shouldn’t be a sterile operating room. If I didn’t believe that Jesus was cradling our little one now, I would be without comfort. He is perfect love.


Despite this knowledge, I can’t stop crying. I assume it’s a result of the medicine, the grief, the hormonal crash, the unmet expectations, everything. Something in me wants to seek a divergence and immerse myself in something that will numb the pain. Another part of me is a good judge and is shamed for feeling grief. I know others have hurt more. We have it so good. I suppose a more balanced view keeps all things in perspective - and - grieves well and joys well, since God’s goodness has never been challenged.


So there ya have it. Since I’m doing a stellar job crying, I think I need to match that with thanks. Here is what I will choose to joy in today:

• My husband – I don’t have to choose to joy in you. You make me smile today and every day.
  
• Our beautiful sensitive daughter
  
• Our crazy curious son
  
• A baby who was spared the heartaches of this world
  
• Paul’s parents for graciously watching the kiddos
  
• My brother for being my friend, helping me, and letting me kick his butt in Scrabble
  
• The youth group students for cleaning our windows, preparing our home for our welcome, and folding toilet paper with love:) You guys are the best!
  
• Church families for praying and making meals and sending notes
  
• Friends who have brought the most thoughtful gifts over
  
• Everyone who has left a message here - I’ve read them over and over
  
• Friends who called at all hours desperate for ways to help
  
• My mom for flying in today
  
• Outstanding medical care
  
• Medicine that takes the edge off (and causes me to dream about large whales devouring small American gymnasts:)
  
• This life and breath
  
• My beautiful Jesus
  

I couldn't thank each of you enough for all you've done. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your kindness has been beautiful.


With Love Because of Jesus,


Kristin, Paul, Selah, and Adden

A Pink Sprinkles Kind of Day

Today I got to take the kids to their first Gymboree class. I have been waiting for this for 2 1/2 months now. Selah's expression when she first walked in made all of the training/memorization/hours away from them worth it. Her jaw actually dropped and she started awkwardly jumping around, saying, "Me play here, mommy? Me play here?" Squeal....... She was beside herself. Adden, well he mostly doublefisted these two orange playballs and crawled around with them wherever he went. He had that crazy fun Adden look in his eye.

After class, we dined on a Dunkin D's egg and cheese croissant, a steaming coffee (all mine), and half of a pink donut with sprinkles.

Then onto the car wash - another Selah highlight - primarily because of the pink soap they use. When it spattered all over our car, she giggled, "Today is a pink day mommy. Pink donut, pink car wash!"

And last, but not least, we spent the rest of the day outside. It was 70 degrees! I have so missed fresh air! We chased bubbles, played with chalk, slid on the slides, zoomed around in car rides, went swinging, and Adden ate grass.

Today was my delight.

This and That

So I'm almost a qualified Gymboree instructor, one who can call Gymbo out with gusto and coordinate some sweet parachute moves. It's a toss up as to which is my favorite song - the frenzied, We want, we want Gymbo (Gymbo is a red clown, green clown, yellow clown... to the Queen tune) or See Saw Margery Daw (Gymbo shall have a new master. He'll pop only a bubble a day cause he can't pop any faster) Oh, then there's one about sliding down my rainbow barrel into my cellar door and of course - when you fall into my cellar? - we'll be good friends forevermore. It's a bizarre little world in that place, but now that I've got the scripts down, it's manageable. And besides that, the kids are each so precious and their parents have really been very gracious and friendly. I start my own classes in April and I'm itching to get Selah and Adden in there. They are going to love it, love it, love it.

I gave my testimony this morning at a moms' group that I go to. I woke up this morning, feeling like I had run into a wall, and just never woke up. I felt bad because I wasn't prepared enough to share (I have been so disorganized of late that I thought this particular meeting was in May.) In a way, I felt like I had disgraced God and discredited him with my rambles. I just pray that the women there were able to look past me and see Jesus somewhere in the mess of me.

The other women that shared were outstanding. I learned so much just by listening to their stories. They were authentic and real and heartwrenching. It reminded me of how important it is to be intentional about getting together with people, asking questions, and hearing what their hearts are saying. The effort needs to be made and I am so sorry for failing in this regard.

Tonight I was able to attend youth group for the first time in a while. It was a blast hanging out with the girls, giggling, and listening to their stories. They are so much fun. I just about melted when Lillian told me she has missed me, Christin drew me pictures, and Pam didn't leave without her hug. I love them all more than I could describe.

So, March Madness is almost here. Whohooo! I just filled my brackets out and I'm ready for go time. Every year I think I'm going to win it all. For real. And I get really upset when I don't. Paul thinks I'm ridiculous because noone has ever had a perfect bracket. But I will be the first, I tell you! And when I am, I'll go on the Today show saying that it was just a fluke and meet Ann Curry (but Matt Lauer will probably end up doing that segment.) Truth be told, I will bomb out just like every year and then be a very disgruntled woman. But, there's always a chance...

Well, I better get to bed here. I have about three million and two things to accomplish tomorrow. We leave for RI Friday so there's packing to do, Gymboree homework, housework, and a consignment sale to prepare for. Oh, and eggs to dye with Selah's "people" on them. The people refer to Cinderella, Sleeping Booty, and Belle. She sure does love her princesses.

Blogging Hiatus

Apparently I'm on a blogging hiatus and have neglected to tell anyone. Please forgive me for my lack of blogger etiquette. I am really thankful for anyone who reads our random thoughts. I treasure that you take time out of your busy schedule to check in on us. I really do appreciate it. I apologize if I've wasted any of your time!

Things have been good here, just very busy. My Gymboree training has been unbelievable, complete with about 20 pages of scripted material, a repertoire of inane songs, early childhood development training, and pages of lesson plans to write. My head is spinning with the most ridiculous oddities. The program is phenomenal though, absolutely phenomenal. And the challenge has been fun. It's just so far out of my comfort zone that it's hilarious. Most of you know me to be pretty laid back, quiet, serious, and reflective. I look comfortable with a cup of coffee in my hands and a book. Not so much singing at the top of my lungs, dancing an Irish jig with a life size puppet, and flying a parachute around the room. If any of you have little ones in our area, you'll have to stop by and take one of my classes. I just know that your jaw would drop. It's funny.

Besides work, my mom came to visit for a week and it was glorious. It came at just the perfect time and she helped me a ton. I really needed it, for many reasons. Thanks, Mom! This past weekend Paul attended a youth worker's conference in Cincinnati. Since his return, he's had to work tons of overtime, so I've been flying solo with the kids in the evenings. We have missed him so much! I'm thankful that times without him are rare. We love you Paul and are so thankful for your hard work with the youth group and MPS. Thanks for partnering with God in providing for us!

Well, I apologize again for the hiatus and I hope to be more consistent in the next few weeks, but I'm not going to make any promises. I hope and pray that all is well with each of you, our friends and family. Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement in our lives. We thank God for each of you!

With much love,
K

Negative Postings

Hey there all -

My apologies for the lack of postings this week. Please check back after the weekend maybe. It's just been a hard and exhausting week around here. Not that anything horrible has happened, just lots of little stuff that has contributed to a very sleepy Mommy.

We've had a sick little Adden once again who was teetering on the verge of dehydration on Tuesday. Today, the virus seemed to have said it's final goodbye, but in its stead is a tooth trying to break through the little guy's gum. He has sat perched on my hip all week and whenever I've tried to put him down out of absolute necessity, he has screamed like you wouldn't believe. Thankfully, he has had moments of his normal Adden self break through and for that I am very thankful. He has the most adorable smile and the funniest laugh. We love him, screaming, throwing up, perched on my hip, and all.

Selah has demonstrated lots of patience this week, probably more than her Mommy. She really enjoys when Adden doesn't cry and when he naps. We do special Mommy/Selah projects whenever Adden takes an early morning snooze - we've made mouse cupcakes (to go along with her new favorite book If You Take A Mouse To School), created fine art (you should see the chicken she made - it's quite something!) and played games (today was hide and seek ducky day.) It's so good for her to have uninterupted time with both Paul and I so that she doesn't feel completely displaced with Adden. For the most part, she has been a trooper with all of the adjustments we've thrown her way. We are really proud of our little girl. (Though she would raise objections to that last sentence..."Mommy, me big girl. No little.")

Anyway, since the kids' nap schedules have not coincided in my favor, I haven't gotten anything done around here. I actually haven't even bothered making my infamous lists, since I didn't want to be disappointed when nothing was crossed off. I guess if I want to feel especially productive, I should make a list that reads, "Go to the bathroom, change diapers, play all day, clean up spit up, and comfort Adden." Now that would be a list of things I could actually accomplish.

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep. I probably should've opted to go right to bed instead of blog, but it's time that I have needed to just be quiet. I draw strength from being with God and from being by myself, even if I am just rambling about whatever comes to mind.

And speaking of whatever comes to mind, last night as we were driving back from youth group, I was sitting in the back back seat of our car that poses as a minivan. Paul was talking to Rob in the front seat. Adden was sleeping and Selah was singing in the second row. And there I was, third row back, gazing out the window in a sleep deprived daze, thinking.... though this week has been a doozy, I am happy. Tired, but deep down happy to be living in the here and now of our life - which is never dependent on circumstance anyway.